Breached.

(i wanted to add this to blogger a looong time ago, but every time i tried to it just wouldn't work. so, now that i finally am able to, here's a disclaimer that what happened below didn't just happen, but it had quite a long time ago. though i can't say the specific date :X don't kill me serene! X: here's what happened. and what's so unforgettable.)

breached.

no, it's not as ominous or potentially sad as it sounds.

wonder whether i ever confessed, but when i first kissed cheryl on her lips, i can still remember standing outside her door early in the morning, after doing the stint which that guy in Love Actually did to Keira Knightley with his placards, i asked her to close her eyes, and it was then i planted a light kiss on her lips. for her it was a magical moment, when we finally kissed on the lips after three years of being an item, on Valentine's 05. it seemed a long-awaited closeness finally arrived.

I never told her how i felt, never. as i left my kiss on her lips, my heart sank deeply in guilt and remorse, i felt utterly ashamed of myself, i felt deep, deep guilt. i felt so small, so guilty, like i had trampled on a rose so beautifully blooming. the magic of love, the magic of its manifestation in physical closeness was closed to me, it seems my past unravelled before me, many a times with my lips wrongly placed. it's no longer a privilege to me, that magical moment when love is consummate, it seems that will be forever lost to me, that amazing feeling when you get when know you've given your kiss to someone who has been worth the waiting for.

but, it's changed, i hope. that past's behind me now. not all behind me, but behind me.

***

breached. today that tentative 'tension' of whether or not finally ended.
somehow it made me see things clearer, it gave me the twinkle of possibility that my guilt will not once again consume a moment that's supposed to be of magic to a couple madly in love.

it was short, almost transient. her cheek was so soft, so tender.

waited for such a long time, don't ask me why i had to kiss her, i just had to. irresistable?

as she lay her head lightly on my shoulder, falling slowly asleep, i felt the urge to kiss her forehead to sleep.

yet, it was inopportune.

until that moment i told her i couldn't take it any longer (without telling her what is was i couldn't take), i kissed her cheek. in a surprise, almost. and at that moment a little sprinkle of love came over my heart, and i felt i was in love again, i felt "boyfriendish", somehow.

wull, she smiled widely. giggled a little. a blissful moment :D

yes, after much hesitation, she reciprocated the kiss in a moment of pleasant surprise, and once again, the same feeling came over me.

those butterflies.

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btw, as i kissed her forehead goodbye before a final hesitant farewell at the traffic crossing, we got caught by my cousin :X