I felt maybe...

...the (bad) habit of not typing regular blogs is that people, even those whom you have given your blog address to, might find you boring or so damn irregular, that they don't visit your blog anymore, and wow, you have that much more of privacy about what you're typin'.

...the friendship with Yeek can never be healed again? it seems to me now, as it was, i believe, always, to him, that i never was a good friend of his, and now, thinking about it, would never be. all this while, it seems my notion that we can be or actually are special friends, was only one-sided, and as i say this i don't feel a deep ache in my heart, or the heavy sinking feeling i always get when i feel sad/affected, because i've let him go. and that notion of letting go seem enigmatic to everyone, to the effect that i have to explain always to people, except, sadly and weirdly enough, to Yeek himself, who's at the brunt of it.

...letting go was a sort of giving-up, but, then, if that be, i wouldn't even bother talking to him, or try to be friendly, or try to act as though everything was always nice and happy, as though i still didn't know that he didn't see me as how i saw him, as though he never did say, that after all, he didn't feel like i was his "good friend", as though what i was doing could actually blossom eventually into a true good friendship, as though what he said about "maybe in time we'll become good friends" would really come true.

...i was mistaken that he was always, if not "good-friend", positive, about his friendship with me. that really, he isn't all that fond (with no romantic connotations here) of me, that he might feel like he didn't like me, that he might get sick of me sticking to him, that indeed, at the end of it all, i'm only but just a friend of his.

...letting go, if i were to explain it, meant that, since i keep feeling your constant mood-swings, and irregular hots and colds towards me, and since i can't possibly steer myself to accomodate to your changeable bearings, since i seem to always feel that it is my fault that i cannot catch up with your changes, since i try but fail to tolerate and understand that that might just be you being yourself -- it seems the best way to be a friend of yours and not feel so emotionally drained, is to let you go. Not give up on you. but like how a person lets his dog run off, knowing that if the dog wishes for freedom and space, it would roam around, away from him, and if the dog needs or wants his company, it would indeed return. Don't bother reading between the lines, as though i think that i'm the master and you're my dog, or as though i intend to say that you come looking for me as and when you like it and is thus being cruelly practical. NO. What i DO mean to say is that, i'm always here with arms open; if you need me, i'm here, if you don't, i'm still where i am; take an example: if Serene gets cold towards me suddenly, i would try to go ask her, clarify and clear the air. But if it were you, since i've let you go, i would not pursue you if you start being cold, i'd wait for you to come back when you wanna. and there's no maybes about this.

... a little part of me cries for vindication in indignation.

... all this while i've been the only one propping things up, and so it seems i'm foolish for even trying to play a game of chess with myself, or maybe

...maybe it's not so final after all, maybe it's just another cold period, maybe soon after we'd find back the friendship we had, or maybe there was no 'we' and 'we had', maybe, once again, it's always been a one-sided thing, which it seems i've not accepted, which it seems i've held on to because i've always felt a bond with you, because i've always felt something special in you, because i've always, since the first day i led you around, felt that there'd be a great friendship ahead of us, because i've always felt an urge to defend you when others talk about you, because it is only maybe that all this was one-sided.

... after all, nothing's gonna be set in stone, and things might let up?

... after all, after all this talk, i still will not give this friendship up.

... you can tell me why all of a sudden during what i would expect as a nice conversation online, you could start shooting me a sour remark, that when i say "i'm a sua ku", you can say something so harsh back at me, and actually be so serious and deliberate about it. it is those occasions, like this, which i feel really hurt.

...you don't need to explain it to me, after all.

... i don't know what i'm saying, i dunno whether my stand is already changing as i type, whether this really is representative of what i really feel, because, how can a person ever feel clear and firm about something that seems always skittish and unpredictable?

... there's nothing more to type about this, but yet again, my heart's a fluster full of unrecognisabilities.

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