Regrets.

Well. It's been so long since I blogged. For all sorts of reasons. Tiredness, sickness, busyness, computer crashed. As in, literally, it crashed, on the cold hard floor.

Now that I have it back, it's great to blog again. So many emotions waiting to burst forth.

Before this, Yeek and I fell out. It affected groups and IS, basically, it put me into such a depressed mood. And I guess it did, too, for Yeek. We're great friends again, now. I thank God. Thank you God for answering my prayers. The prayers I say when I get a breather out of group by sneaking to the toilet, along the way as I walked to the cubicle, my prayers as I walked to and from group. Thank you, Lord. You are my Father. And thank you Yeek, for loving me. I love you too! :D We're friends again and that's GREAT. As I've said, Yeek is the bestest boy-friend I've ever had. All the time, it's been me against the guys, the sissy against the machos. All the time, I've been lacking a testosteronal (if there's such a word) companion. Now God gave me Yeek, and I thank God, again!

Hmm. Happy things aside. I think, indeed, everytime I blog, it's always about something poignant or just blatantly sad.

I just came back from Majestia, a band concert which I was supposed to play in, a swansong since it's the last concert for Year Twos, but I'm so busy fussing with TSD that I simply had no time to commit to rehearsals after rehearsals. I was delighted to accept the invitation for emceeing the concert, which I did, and I really think it's the last time I'll ever emcee in VJ anymore, a swansong for me too, after so many emceeing opportunities, it's great to end my so-called emceeing-career with emceeing for Majestia XXI, at least I get to be involved, at least I get to play a part, be it how small, it's still a part to play, it's still remembered, they say, you have a great voice, i think you are the best emcee in VJ, thanks for lending your voice for the concert. It's been great emceeing the concert with Karmun, the girl whom I started my emceeing career with, it's her swansong too, thanks Karmun for being a truly great partner in emceeing.

I felt so out-of-place, when Mr Tan, the band instructor, took over the mike, saying, it's the last concert the Year Twos will play, thank you very much for your contributions to the band, stand up, hear the applause for you, Year Twos, and I stood in the wings, hesitant about going out there and bask myself in appreciation, after all, I'm still a band member, I'm a Year Two, I played for Majestia XX and NSSN 2005, I played for SYF, we got the Gold together, though we wanted a Gold with Honours, but the only sad thing is, I left the band prematuredly, I was beginning to feel so close to them, then I had to go, then it just all fell apart, in the messages they say, you're the joker in our section, bringing us laughter and fun, you're my favourite person to chitchat to, practices without you feel less interesting, though you haven't been around for such a long time, you're very much part of the section still! I came up with the flute anthem, which we sang out loud, though I forgot the words and tune, someonw had to remind me, they cheered the flute cheer, which I came up with, without me at first, I walked over, said hello flute section, they replied warmly, I fell in love with them yet again, then we cheered together, then there was silence. I hadn't an idea what to say, they were clearing up, I got cleared out too.

So so very much regrets, I feel such regret for not having played in the band, for leaving such wonderful friendships aside to rot, simply because I had TSD exams, I hate it for screwing up my life now, I feel like I would certainly regret not joining TSD, yet it brings me so many regrets, I feel like crying, I feel like I wasted my band experience, they say hi so happily to me, I say hi, not being able to play with them in the band, but just speak, using my mouth, not my flute, no, not any longer, regrets, regrets. It's hard, what TSD students can balance their schedules and life very well, bullcrap, I say, it's bullshit, who ever finished their tutorials on time when TSD consumed us like a black hole inside a black hole, who dare say they balanced all 3/4 As nicely, CT council was a half-baked cake, and now Band, I'm cleared out, left out in the band photo, left out in the Flutes photo, Andrew said, this is the flute section photo, for you, I said thank you, and realised I wasn't in it, no blame, just regrets, regrets, so deep, eyes are too dry to cry, never could express very well with my tears, that's why my heart feels so heavy, I can't cry, I hate myself for torturing myself like that, regrets, regrets. Even Writers' Circle, they are such a wonderful bunch, it was just smiles and happy rehearsals together, I felt totally appreciated, but they didn't thank me at all, not one of the three/four people who were asked to say something at the end of Glossolalia thanked me, I came up with the whole group poem choreography, the group poem was the best of the whole show, no one said thank you to me, everyone just knew it was so good, I guess it's great to know that people loved me, I guess it sucks to know that no one knows it was you. Screwed up life, I hope TSD yield what I reap, I don't want to be left with nothing in the end, no, not nothing, but just regrets, so painful, I don't want to look back and realise, I was so much involved in school, with so many commitments, I excelled in all, but simply, the relationships, the emotional richness and attachment I'm supposed to have, to be proud of, to be enjoying in, are all not there, that in the end I have nothing at all to look back and smile upon, except half-baked cakes and smiles which I could have remembered much more clearly and could even hear, if I had put more effort, or was allowed to put more effort in, then I'd be happier, knowing that I have real friends which I daresay I feel attached to, but now looking back, none of that is, so I just hope I can still be attached to the TSDians, or at least that of my class and group, at least I won't feel like a glass bottle which travelled the seas but has nothing in it but a note of regret.

Regrets. Cry over them. But I can't. Regrets. It hurts so bad, to say goodbye after getting all the gifts they've given me, I feel so very much attached to them, I love them, F-L-U-T-E-S! It gives me pride, joy, it was so fun being in the section, without the disgusting seniors, but with the cute Year Ones, they're so loving and crazy and fun to be with, that I feel so loved, I didn't even go for JTS, what a jerk am I, how could I have done that, it's all coming back to me, a crash of regrets, maybe that's why it's really been really long since I left them, though it hadn't been that long, but it was too-long enough, claps, applause, thank you and goodnight, Mrs Chan smiles widely at me, I feel I've accomplished only emceeing, I think that's really something I can be proud of, yet in that I can get no satisfaction which a BAND, a WRITERS' CIRCLE, a COUNCIL can give me. I can see them, say a passionate and excited HELLO, and then have to walk away because there's nothing to say, because I feel that I want to and can be so close to you, but I screwed it all up because I just simply didn't spend time on anything else except TSD, that's why I hate TSD, all it gives me is I hope a good grade, a pack of really really good friends, I thank God for that, but leaves me with so many other people who I can see a happy past that held so much potential but which I blew away into the winds, so much love and pride and warmth and friendship I've just thrown off like that. All their faces are flying by my mind like a filmstrip, someI can't remember names of, but I wish I could have been so much closer to, how to express this, I simply can't put it across, I just feel, deep, deep, deep, regrets.

Regrets. Things I can't get back. Regrets. I wish, I could cry, but I can't, !!!!!!.

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