Revelations

Since my blogger is down I shall try to blog into my email.

I've been trying to find the time and energy to blog, but it's just so difficult to because of Prelims and all the other stresses, worries, laziness and tiredness. Guess it's always times when I feel really empty inside or really saddened that I blog. That's prolly why Priya always tell me that my every entry's sad. Well, the reason's now apparent isn't it?

Listened to Dido suddenly on the bus and I felt extremely sappy. I once asked my closest friends: "What if I leave without telling, without a trace?" I prolly got inspired by the book written by Rupert Thompson -- "the Book of Revelation". Indeed, it kinda revealed to me that my life prolly is leading to an emptiness, when one is so detached that teh only thing that he lives for is living, and one no longer feels much for anything anyhow anywhen anywhere. The protagonist does not care about his family nor his love, he is floating, all over the world, marvelling at nothing, or feeling sad for anything.

I think I am feeling this way these days. Existential, call it. When someone falls down, I don't go "oh my god are you ok?" anymore. I'll just react very unfeelingly, the only thing that my mind (not my mouth) says is "oh, someone's fallen". I don't think it's bad or it's good, there's no point in judging that. It's just THAT. Detached. Nothing's too deserving of me going yeehaa! anymore, and I guess even if something really pisses me off, I'll just blow up for a minute, and the next it affects me no longer. Is this what Buddhism or some Confucian thinking says--that one sees through all, nothing is emptiness, emptiness is nothing? Is it too precocious for me to think -- or worse -- FEEL that way now? I'm not embracing it, nor am I trying to avoid it. It's just THAT. See?

"I've always thought I would love to live by the sea
To travel the world alone and live more simply
I have no idea what's happened to that dream
Cos there's really nothing left here to stop me.
It's just a thought, only a thought."

dido played into my ear, and always in my mind. I was on the bus to esplanade with Priya, sitting looking out at the road, how everything outside runs past me, how the bus moves quickly on without any knowledge of what is around.

Maybe that is what I want. To go away and roam, never needing or wanting to achieve anything, to live simply and not have any strings attached to me. I don't want to need to feel obliged to do anything, to have any responsibilities. I don't want to need to think about how not to hurt the people around, to die away from the minds I have crossed and be alone. Maybe then will 'I' surface?

How I wish to say, Marcus is DEAD. Then...

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"try to remind myself that i was happy
before i knew that i could get on a plane and fly away
from the road where the cars never stop going through the night
to a life where i can watch the sun set and
take my time, take all our time"

Yeah, it's Dido again. Love the way she puts my thoughts so exactly into verses that make so much sense. Guess that's all I need to say. Before I go away?